Hey, remember that time in the late '80s or early '90s when everyone pretended to give a shit? That was so fun.
It's Earth Day again but you can't really tell. I think, as long as the mail is still delivered, no one can tell much of anything.
Here's a true story though, for Earth Day. You can tell your offspring tonight as you tuck them into bed, and they'll have sweet, sustainable dreams.
THE LITTLE EARTH DAY THAT EARTHED
Actually, this has much more to do with New Year's Resolutions than Earth Day but anyway, this year, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to remember to reuse the grocery bags. Because every couple months the little thingy in my kitchen cabinet fills alllll the way up with plastic bags and then yes, i recycle them, but a) who knows if they actually get recycled and b) we all know the real move is to reuse them before you recycle them. And like, if you spend 4 minutes in Europe you realize "Dude, it's not even all that hard" but then somehow you come back to America and get all awash in the forgetting, as Americans are wont to do.
So I mean I always used to want to remember but I never actually did remember. I would even have them in my car, all waiting to be reused, but then I'd go to the market and forget to take them out of the car and into the store, for refilling. So then I'd just end up with a car full of bags.
So anyway, this year I decided I'd fine myself $5 for every grocery trip I took that I forgot to reuse the goddamn bags. I actually came up with that rule retroactively; I had come back from the store and was disgusted with my brand new set of plastic bags so I put $5 in an envelope marked "HEIFER PROJECT" and said I said "New Rule!" I only had to do that once. Ever since then I've remembered. I don't know why. And now I can't find that envelope with the $5. I think the cat spent it on a 40 and some pounce.
Anyway, so it's now April, and that started around Christmas time, and I have not yet needed to take one new bag from the grocery store. That's how durable those things are (the plastics, and the papers with the handles you get at trader joe's or whole foods). I go grocery shopping once a week and haven't broken a bag yet. That, in the parlance of our times, is DUMB. I mean it's not dumb that the bags last, but it's very dumb that the bags last that long and yet we only use them for the 32 yards between the store and our cars and our houses.
It wasn't 100% easy at first cause you have to sort of beg the bagger to actually use the bags you brought, since their bagging movements are so automatic. But after a while they start to recognize you as the bag lady, and they use your wrinkly, well-worn bags, and they smile at you and say stuff like "that's really good!" "I need to start doing that!" and "Man, you're SO TALL!" and stuff like that.
And we all lived happily ever after. Good night! Sleep tight!
