Want to hear the worst story ever told? Sit down, because this one will have you cringing 3 to 4 times more than that one about Jesus getting beat up and killed, guaranteed.
I got a call a few weeks ago that, I can't quite put this adequately into words, but let me try: you never ever ever want to hear that Jamie Lynn Spears is the reason you're not going to be allowed to change the world this year via your awesome television show that you had just gotten your very first development deal on. Do you know what I mean? Can you understand that that's a bad reason for not to being able to change the world? I don't think Jamie Lynn Spears is much of a decent reason for just about anything. Well, no, that's not fair, she seems like a talented girl and I'm sure she's just as spunky and god-fearing and preternaturally professional as she can possibly fucking be, but what had happened was the idea that I'd been working on... I mean this was going to be a GOOD show... not just a funny show, not just a successful show, a GOOD show, the kind that would have made it into the second installment of "Where the Girls Are" if Susan Douglas had ever decided to do a second installment. Anyway, Jamie Lynn Spears unfortunately had the same idea, or someone had it for her, but when your name is Jamie Lynn Spears what you do is instead of getting a fair and square development deal and submitting yourself to survival of the fittest and all that, you propose something along the lines of "I WANT THIRTEEN EPISODES AND I'M TAKING MY BARBIES AND LEAVING IF YOU DON'T GIVE THEM TO ME RIGHT NOW BASED ON THIS IDEA I WROTE DOWN ON A COCKTAIL NAPKIN EVEN THOUGH I'M TWELVE AND HAVE NEVER HAD A COCKTAIL IN MY LIFE" and then nickelodeon, who owns the network i was developing for, says "YES MISTRESS JAMIE LYNN SPEARS, WE ARE AT YOUR FANTASTICALLY PERKY AND ALREADY MINORLY FAMOUS MERCY" and then someone like me gets told to kindly go place a large cock in her ass, forthwith, with heartfelt apologies.
I'm sorry Jamie Lynn Spears, I don't mean to put your name in the same sentence as 'cock' (and certainly not 'forthwith')... I'm sure you'll make some nice money and maybe your show will even get renewed after your 13 spectacularly lizzie mcguire-esque episodes and there will be dolls and movie deals. Maybe it'll even be a huge, bland hit. Congratulations. Have fun with it. And if you ever are so lucky as to date the likes of a Justin Timberlake, don't you DARE do it with the likes of that waxed-eyebrowed epileptic Wade Robson on the side, because I can tell you right now it's the WRONG TRADE-IN.
Anyway, what's actually even more interesting about this to me is this whole phenomenon where people pitch the same ideas at the same time, in clumps. I mean, there was another dude pitching it for the same cycle as I was, just coincidentally -- which is why I can't really be that pissed about 'losing' it, it was clearly a very basic idea -- just, i was going to make it awesome and meaningful and true and they're not, but anyway. And my friend who just got picked up for the most amazing fucking kung fu animated show you've ever seen, you're going to DIE when this thing comes out... he was telling me some other dude pitched the same thing two weeks after he got his deal, not to mention another show that turned up on the WB kids network a couple months later that was sort of a really, really crappy, meaningless version of it... anyway, remember in Waking Life when they're talking about the whole crossword phenomenon, where a day later the answers are just 'out there' in the hive mind and people know more of them... I don't know if that 'study' actually exists or is valid but:
what I'm trying to say is, if you ever have an idea you better act on it fast because you just inserted it into the hive mind and Jamie Lynn Spears is going to snatch it out of there and get 13 automatic episodes on it unless you get off your ass and do it. Life lessons, from me to you.
