You know, McDonald's just doesn't get enough credit for all the good they do in this world. I mean, think of all the joy they generate, year in and year out, just by being the fantastic restaurant that they are.

I've heard that a lot of people out there don't like McDonald's-- I don't know if they've just had a bad burger there once or what's got them all upset, but I thought I would take this opportunity to extoll the many, many virtues of McDonald's.

1.) Mac and Me. Did you ever see that movie? It was about this young handicapped boy who finds an outerspace alien, and saves his life by feeding him Coke™ and Skittles™. The boy and the alien attend a McDonald's birthday party in one scene, and everyone in the scene is just so happy, dancing on the tables and celebrating good McDonald's times... how come people never dance on the tables at my McDonald's?

2.) Their commercials. I think it's pretty obvious that McDonald's is in touch with people of all ages and colors, not to mention good old family values. I think it's really great that they show famous athletes like Michael Jordan eating their food... it's a good message to the kids, that if you eat right, good "meat" and "potatoes" meals from McDonald's, you can grow up big and tall and make several hundred million dollars a year.

3.) The Arch Deluxe. You know, the only complaint I used to have about McDonalds was, "It's great for the kids, but I wish there was a burger just for me." I mean, I saw a six-year-old eating a BigMac™ once, and it just ruined that whole sandwich for me. But McDonald's saved the day a few years ago by offering us the Arch Deluxe™-- now my twenty-something friends and I can walk into a McDonald's and not be worried that some bully is going to call us immature. Now there's a burger for us grown-ups.

4.) You may be wondering what this amusing Oriental caricature is doing all over this page. Well, in 1994 when I was travelling through Europe, I happened upon a McDonald's in Koln, Germany. The place was decorated from ceiling to floor with this face. Now, I don't speak German, so I don't know exactly why it was there, but I'll venture it has something to do with this Sweet and Sour sauce they were selling with the Chicken McNuggets (the McNugget boxes had the face, too, with one Commie star for every McNugget in the box). I just think it's wonderful that in the face of these P.C. times, McDonald's still has such a great sense of humor. Of course, we never saw this one in America, probably because they knew we would have gotten all uptight about it. But at least someone somewhere got to have a laugh at the expense of Orientals. (I know I'm supposed to say what kind of Oriental instead of saying Oriental, but to be honest I'm not sure what kind this guy is. I mean, the commie stars and the fortune cookies they were selling would say Chinese to me, but then there were also Japanese paper lamps with his face on them. Who cares-- it's still funny!)

You know, maybe I should start a McDonald's Web Ring, for all the people on the internet who love McDonald's as much as I do. They could show their loyalty to the cause by displaying the chink emblem on their site. That's the sort of corporate loyalty this country needs if we're going to beat the Japs.

This page was chosen as Cruel Site of the Day December 16, 1997.