I Am a Superconductor. Are You Jealous?

I am constantly getting shocked. Not morally outraged, I mean physically shocked, when I touch metal things, or people or cats or whatever. When i touch doorknobs. When i get out of the car. Dozens of times every ever-lovin day is when. It started in 1995 I think. In Boston.

And not like pansy little "Ooh! I shocked you! Neat!" little ha ha's, and i don't have to drag my feet along a carpeted floor to build up the voltage. I get blue fucking arcs between me and that which is metal when i touch it. It makes a NOISE. People TURN TO LOOK. IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH. Often, it hurts enough to make me jump back from the door and curse and shake my hand like a wounded child. And kids, I'm asking you to trust me on this: I'm NOT being a pussy about this. It fucking hurts and normal people who are standing near me will usually comment on the noise or the color. What am I, fucking Powder?

It's become a tax on my existence, especially in the wintertime. I'm -sure- there are people with worse problems, but i feel like one of pavlov's rats every time I get to a metal doorknob, you know what I'm saying? And i look pretty ridiculous too, standing there with my hand a few inches from the doorknob, afraid to touch it. Most people aren't afraid of doorknobs. Most people don't have to be. And most people think you look pretty retarded if you're standing in front of a door not opening it, or worse, doing this little dance where you reach for it and then instinctively stop cause you know you'll be hurt. And then trying again with this gay-ass grimace on your face and your head turned away and then stopping again. Sometimes I'll have to reach for the knob like 5 or 6 times before I can actually grab it. Or God, when I'm getting out of my car, I'll have to do this little snake move so that I get out without hitting any of the metal. And then i kick the door closed or use my hip so that the shock doesn't hurt as much. I've learned that the hand is the worst place to take an electric shock, and it definitely helps if there's clothing covering the area to be shocked. When it comes to doorknobs though, i'm usually screwed. For a while at my old job, I was in a living hell because working consisted of traipsing back and forth through like 4 locked doors to go between the developers offices and my desk. Four big beautiful shiny metal doorknobs to be turned. Usually it was only the first (and the fourth on the way back) that would get to me, as I'd have been discharged for the second and third. And i learned to temper that first really big one by holding my key between my thumb and as many fingers as I could get on there, and then touching the knob with the key so that the shock would be distributed to as much skin surface area as possible. I don't know if that's bullshit and only helped me psychosomatically, but whatever, it hurt less. It seems to make a little sense to me, too, that when you hit a doorknob with your bare hand, the shock will be transferred as soon as the first part of you hits it, so all the shock was going to one little bit of skin that hit the knob first. And by pressing more flesh to the key and taking the shock that way, I was diluting the pain. Fine, i'm psycho, you would be too if you couldn't touch goddamn doorknobs without justifiably fearing for your well being.

And sometimes, i do my little dance, finally get up the nerve to touch the knob, and no shock. And then i really feel stupid. And it makes it even worse, it's like when you read about Pavlov's experiments and when he would be random about what would deliver a shock and what would deliver a morsel, I remember thinking "that poor rat, man, he has no way of predicting." The rat, c'est moi. How come i never get like an M&M when i hit a doorknob, huh?

It usually gets a little better when the weather warms up and there's more humidity in the air. Like today it's raining hard out and i can't remember getting shocked today, at least not painfully. But other days this week have been normal for a winter day, which worries me cause it's April. What if it doesn't stop this year? What if the whole year is one big shocking fiasco? What do I need to do? Moisturize more? I do have very dry skin, but I moisturize it to full capacity as is, I don't think I can fathom doing any more. Are there any electrical experts out there who can recommend a solution? Is there a portable way to ground myself before touching metal or animals? Am i doomed? Should I see a doctor? Where are my M&Ms? Answers, people, I demand answers.

house. Maintained by Mary Chen.